Sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

Yes, I used to be involved in the OTO. I took my first degree, which confers a lifetime membership. From around 2004-2007 I was a devoted practitioner and impassioned zealot. In late 2007/8, I endured a series of smaller existential crises that lead ultimately to The Big One. On that warm July evening I watched all of my Gods die and swooned in celestial abandonment. I have been in this state since. 

I no longer practice any magick. One can do all the gematria one wishes, work out all the enochian tables, and passionately vibrate all the archangels of all the planes.. but let us face the truth: no one is listening. Not God. Nor Gods. Nor daemons. Nor higher selves. Nor HGAs. We are alone. 

Of course, I am grateful for the lessons that I learned in that grab for transcendental meaning, for absolute purpose, for some sort of significance. Most of the people of my (our?) generation have no idea what it is like to believe anything. For them, God does not exist; we, on the contrary, know that he is dead, for we watched him die. And we are his murderers. 

I still retain some of the things I studied in the occult. Some tantric technique, for instance, I use regularly. But even tantra, in western occultism, so often becomes worship of femininity. This, in turn, requires one to conceive of femininity as something inscribed in an intelligible heaven: woman as caregiver, nurturer, source of life, or what have you. I have no stomach for this sort of thinking any more, and categorically reject any gestures that would essentialize woman or women. Women, like men, are subject to the same exact abandonment and as such are denied the luxury of such ready-made identities. Even the meaning of the word woman is ambiguous, determined as much by the choices of suffering existents as by power-structures and institutions.